


Kylo Ren's Ten Step Guide on How to Get Rid of Awkward Boners Caused by Certain Scavengers

by OccasionallyCreative



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Crack, F/M, In which Kylo Ren accidentally redeems himself because he really wants Rey to step on him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-15
Updated: 2017-07-15
Packaged: 2018-12-02 06:59:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11504136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OccasionallyCreative/pseuds/OccasionallyCreative
Summary: Step one: Don't get a boner.Step two: Fail step one.





	Kylo Ren's Ten Step Guide on How to Get Rid of Awkward Boners Caused by Certain Scavengers

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bittersnake](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bittersnake/gifts), [second_chances](https://archiveofourown.org/users/second_chances/gifts), [La_Catrina](https://archiveofourown.org/users/La_Catrina/gifts).



> A crack celebration of all that's trash about the failure, Kylo Ren. With accidental feelings thrown in, because I'm me and even a crack fic about Kylo Ren's inability to be sensible has to have feelings in it.
> 
> Many thanks to [La_Catrina](http://archiveofourown.org/users/La_Catrina/pseuds/La_Catrina) for the excellent title that inspired this!

**I.**

The planet crumbles around him. The scavenger, that lowly scavenger, will die among the trees. A transporter lands at his side, engines humming in his eardrums. Hux, a fur-lined hood framing his sour face, folds his hands behind his back. Two officers pick him up and haul him up the ramp. He must look debased, too human. 

They take him to the med bay. A doctor fusses about him. Hux stands, sneering, over him, the fur-lined hood gone.

"We have only limited bacta, now our main base is gone," Hux hisses, reprimanding. "That injury will leave a scar, no doubt. At least it shall serve as a reminder to you of your loss, Ren. Supreme Leader Snoke wishes to see you as soon as possible."

"Understood," Kylo spits out, curling up on his side, sighing and closing his eyes. "Can I just..."

"Just what?" snaps Hux.

"I need some time. Alone," he says, batting away the doctor and flicking his eyes up at Hux.

Hux's upper lip curls into a sneer. "You're disgusting, Ren."

"Noted," Kylo sighs, sinking into the bed, pushing with his fingers past layers when Hux and the doctor are gone, and he is left alone.

He comes thinking of the scavenger while his injury burns. He will have his revenge. In time.

* * *

**II.**

That isn't the first, lying in the snow on Starkiller. That was simply confirmation of the feeling in the pit of his stomach. The first, the scavenger's eyes blazed as she pulled images and feelings, feelings thought deeply buried, to the forefront of his mind in one horrifying, thrilling flash of light. All while she was restrained, contained within a rig. And she'd held power. Power equal to his own. Stronger than she knew herself. She thought it _normal_. Until he had opened his mind to her. Clearly, she had never experienced that.

Neither had he.

Perhaps she would even more powerful than him if trained correctly. He limped out of the interrogation room, knowing he should get to Snoke. He passed Stormtroopers, who tilted their heads, eyes past their helmets obviously narrowed. He picked up worrying observations from them, about him, about his... state.

He needed to do something about it. Diving into a supplies cupboard, filled with crates, he shut off his mind and shucked down his trousers, gripping his length.

"You're afraid," she had hissed.

It was dirty, and wrong, screamed a certain part of him, a buried part which he slammed the door on, running his hand up and down his cock. He was Kylo Ren, destined to rule galaxies, burn the stars. He could masturbate wherever he liked. Even if it did lead to a fumbled explanation when he next met with the Supreme Leader for his poor timekeeping.

* * *

**III.**

He has been tracking her for cycles of days, weeks, months. Parsec to parsec, ship to ship, planet to planet. The answer, when he finds it, is so obvious, he almost goes hard right there and then from sheer frustration and anger. Foolish. A waste of resources would snap Hux, for nothing but a girl.

Not a girl, he thinks. A scavenger. 

He orders his command shuttle readied and flies off the base before the news of her location reaches Hux.

* * *

**IV.**

The cliffs of Ahch-To are weather beaten, ancient lives soaked into the stone. He can feel them all, within the Force, humming, rather than vibrating as the living do, vibrating with each breath and thought.

 _You're here,_ says the scavenger into the Force, almost stopping him in his tracks with how calm she sounds. Calm while he is a coiled spring, clenching his fists to stop himself exploding all at once, all through the universe. _With that ridiculous mask, I see._

He reaches out for his uncle, ignoring the scavenger when the stirring in his gut reaches the side of troublesome. He does not sense his uncle anywhere.

 _He left,_ she says, not sadly. Damn it, how is she this calm? This in control of herself?

 _This is a battle I'm facing myself,_ she throws out, a snapping tone on her last word that he is familiar to. It sounds like honey when she thinks it. The stirring travels up to the low of his stomach, an invisible hand reaching down towards his groin, brushing over his length. He squares his shoulders, advancing up the rest of the steps.

 _Cease your distractions scavenger_ , he growls.

 _What, talking? You're unfocused, Ren,_ she says, teasing him.

He reaches the top of the cliff, and she is there. In flesh and blood and muscle. He thumbs on his lightsaber, watching her as he turns it between his fingers, limbering up for the battle.

She turns, and the brush over his cock becomes a touch, then a flood. He keeps his face studious, jaw tightening. The muscles in her arm made obvious, filled out now his uncle has taken him under his wing, where once she was scrawny enough for him to snap in two. Her power isn't dormant any longer, it is clear and brimming with the Light, only a touch of the Dark when she sees him. His cape flips around him against the ocean wind. Her hair is no longer bunched up in those girlish three buns that made her look younger than her years. One messy bun sits at the top of her head, the rest loose and shifting with the air. Her eyes flash bright, holding his grandfather's lightsaber, the blue reflecting off her temple, her cheek. 

He itches to touch it. Feel the strands of her hair flutter over and between his fingers, soft against the hard leather of war.

He runs away to the edge of the cliff, knowing that if he leaps, he will fall into the cool oceans of Ahch-To.

He lands with a splash, unclasping his belt, his cape, his robe underneath the waves. They scatter towards the dark water and he swims, lightsaber in his hand, until he reaches his command shuttle.

The Stormtroopers don't question why he's sopping wet, but Supreme Leader does, when he is stood before him on base. 

Kylo opts to pretend he rescued the scavenger.

Later, when his punishment is a beating from his Knights, he feels closer to the Force than ever. The scavenger whispers out to him in the dark.

 _I won't let you go again_ , she promises.

 _I don't doubt it_ , he hisses back, shutting off his mind from her as he feels himself growing hard again. He wonders what would've happened if he'd stayed, or if she'd followed. He wonders how powerful she would now be if she clad herself in black, and been his Knight, as he is hers. He comes with a groan and a shudder.

* * *

**V.**

He doesn't know quite how this has happened, but he isn't one to question it. He kneels before the scavenger on Ahch-To, his uncle pursued through the stars by the First Order, and he is begging her. After all of his training, completed now, he is kneeling before her, his lightsaber crackling and sparking against the stone with his head bowed.

"Do it quick," he breathes, blood on his lip. His cape is ripped. His skin, marked by falling against the tone.

She carries the same marks. His grandfather's lightsaber is operated by her hands and is held to his throat. He swallows, lifting his eyes up towards her.

In the silence, she withdraws the lightsaber. She draws her thumb over his bottom lip. The Force flows between them, and the split lip becomes whole. The warmth of the Light floods his whole body. In return, he tugs his glove off with his teeth and brushes his fingers over her brow, where one of his blows had marked her. He takes the warmth and focuses it all on her. Her skin blooms, healed and pink and new.

She kisses him, then runs. 

He's only half-hard this time, and by the time he's destroyed a nearby boulder with the Force and his saber, he's more furious than ever.

* * *

**VI.**

She's running now, Ahch-To left far behind. She has possession of that Corellian freighter, and flies it through the galaxies, from the Core Worlds to the Outer Rim, out to the Deep Core. He plots her course, a map crisscrossing over planets and systems, but he's always one step behind, to the amusement of his Knights. Hux is suffering his own losses. Hosnian Prime's destruction was a mistake, and now support for the Resistance is cropping up everywhere. They have resources not available to them before, given by once neutral planets, planets whose people thought the First Order children having a tantrum but now see them as the second coming of the Empire.  

Hux's father's shadow creeps over the general.

Kylo doesn't care. He only needs the scavenger and their battle.

So he is following her, following intel gave by a rare First Order-aligned planet, where the scavenger strayed and didn't stay for too long. They placed a tracker on her ship, and give him the information he needs to find her and best her.

This is the battle he has been chasing. The end of the pursuit.

When he finds her again, nestled in the high towers of Coruscant, in the abandoned quarters of the long-dead Emperor, he crashes his saber against hers, destroying the opulence of old as they become children, throwing trinkets at one another from either side of the room.

"You're foul!" she snarls, throwing out the Force and pushing him back. He smashes into the wall, but the feeling stirs in her gut. "The First Order's finished," she snaps. "You'll be dead."

"At your hand?" he replies, picking up a vase with the Force and throwing it in her direction. She dodges and rolls, eyes blazing and beautiful as the vase smashes against the wall.

"I don't want to kill you," she admits, as they rush one another, locking their lightsabers together. Kylo growls. "I've never wanted to kill you. You have to face your crimes, Ben Solo."

She smirks at the use of the wrong name, the abandoned name, and he roars, turning his back on her.

It hurts to hear that name. It hurts more to be _excited_ by that use of that name.

He really hates his body.

"Ben," she says into the silence. Light, understanding. Wanting.

He whirls on her, taking her by the neck, sinking his fingers into her hair and tugging her forward, taking her mouth. She raises her saber in instinct, the Jedi warrior and scavenger one and the same, then drops it to the ground. Wanting him as much as he wants her. His joins hers, then he's pressing her against the wall, grinding his hard length against her thigh, a weak attempt at punishing her for his own bodily functions.

She doesn't take it for long. She is the one on top, she is the one pressing his shoulders into the silk of the old Emperor's bed and sliding his hard cock into her cunt, and riding him. He only holds onto her hips and does as she wants, feeling elation and Light with every order he obeys.

When it is done, he flees to the First Order like she knew he would.

* * *

**VII.**

This is their routine now. He proclaims her stronger to Snoke, stronger with every meeting, and Snoke orders him to take his Knights with him to apprehend her, this scavenger that soars through the stars and makes a laughing stock of Kylo Ren, of the dwindling First Order. He has started to notice Hux's rashness, and how old Snoke is. How lined his face is, how twisted his scars are.

He, along with his Knights, finds her in a marketplace on Lothal and drags her into an alleyway in the skirmish of people running to fight and blast his Knights in an attempt to cover her. Mini rebel groups are more common by the day, and they will protect anyone who aids them.

(She always has been charming, whether smiling or kicking him into the dust.)

She works the mechanism of his mask with knowing fingers, pushing it up until the lower half of his face is exposed. He feels, more than sees, her lips capture his and kiss him, languid while the battle rages. 

"You're a villain," she whispers, talking to herself rather than him.

He lets her slip away to the next planet, the next rebel group, and when he returns, able to blame his Knights for the failure, he uses Hux's increasingly distracted mind to access secrets even the Master of the Knights of Ren is not privy to, and discovers they know the location of the Resistance base. Tatooine. Skywalker is there too. Two birds, one stone.

Hux and Snoke are left scratching their heads as to why they have three birds, and no stone.

He comes in his quarters, picturing the scavenger a-top of him, thanking him for being so good for her.

* * *

**VIII.**

When Snoke goes out into the field himself, wielding his double-bladed lightsaber amidst the smoke of the battle, Kylo's blood runs cold. Stormtroopers have been felled, officers too, and foot soldiers of the Resistance have sacrificed themselves for their cause. Snoke steps over all of their bodies, robes blowing in the wind, pallid white skin lit orange and eyes lit yellow, moving towards the scavenger. She holds an unconscious pilot, Poe Dameron, who is bleeding after he tried to face a Knight of Ren by himself, without the Force but just a blaster.

Snoke twists his saber-staff in his hand, preparing to strike a blow, two blows, on the scavenger and the pilot.

Skywalker's blue crashes against Snoke's. His eyes are filled to the brim with hard Light, dark against the yellow of Snoke's. His wrinkled face carries more power than Snoke could ever hope to possess. Kylo stands in the midst of destiny, Knights of Ren falling all around him. His mother is in the middle of it all too, firing her blaster at oncoming enemy, protecting the injured.

Snoke's blows are heavy, but Skywalker moves with fluidity, water to Snoke's stone, sliding easily through the moves of a fight. Snoke looks smaller as Skywalker channels the Light and diminishes the shadow before him. 

Snoke is finished with Skywalker's lightsaber through his chest.

Kylo sees the scavenger approaching him. She waves her hand, and he welcomes the blackness.

* * *

**IX.**

He wakes on the flight deck of the Millenium Falcon, before the dejarik table he learned to beat Lando Calrissian 7-3 in a 10 game round before he could fully see over its edge. He slumps against the seating. The craft is stable, on autopilot and no doubt they are in hyperspace, travelling far from the battle.

 _The First Order won't give up,_ says the scavenger inside his head.  _Your General can't recognise a lost cause._

"Not my General," he says, stretching. The scavenger appears then, stood at his left-hand side, staring down at him, her eyes inscrutable. He feels an odd sense of hollowness when he remembers that Snoke is lying dead on a planet. Small and weak, this skilled warrior of the Dark when faced by the Light.

The scavenger's hand smoothes over his forehead, and he falls into the touch, slumping his head against the seating, tilting his head until it is pressing against her stomach. His hand trails up her hip, smoothing over the skin of her lower back. He pushes up her cotton shirt, pressing soft kisses to her belly.

"You know," he muses, "you were the first."

"What?" she asks, not shocked or surprised, but amused. Her brow quirks upwards, along with the corner of her mouth.

"I was a virgin, but not a Jedi," he says, hooking his fingers around the band of her trousers and easing them down. It occurs to him that they've barely exchanged verbal words, in all the time they have known one another. Words were all for the mind; the teasing, the threats, the battling. He verbalises now, telling her how pretty she is, how he has wanted her since Starkiller.

"If only you weren't a villain," she says, as he hikes her onto the dejarik table, still sitting but surrounded by her, her legs pressed into the seating either side of his thighs, squirming as he tests her, sliding a gloved finger against her clitoris, then deeper into her heat. 

"If only," he echoes, bending his head and pairing his fingers with his mouth.

"Ben," she cries, and he grows harder as it spills from her lips in louder and louder tones until it becomes a glorious shout; easily the most beautiful sound he's heard.

* * *

**X.**

He is almost enraged when they land on Tatooine in its cool desert night and see Resistance transport ships landing at the base, bringing out the wounded. The Stormtrooper, Finn, holds the weight of the limping Poe. Kylo whirls on Rey.

"Capturing me? A very original plan," he snarls. Rey only smirks.

From the base, a tent whose material flaps in the harsh wind, comes his mother. Though already treated, she wears the effects of the war, her grey hair unbrushed and trailing over her shoulders, her skin muddied by smoke and mud. 

She stops before him, saying nothing.

 _You never were a villain_ , Rey murmurs into the Force, the link between them. _Talk to her, bantha brains._

His mother gives a small smile, hearing Rey's current words as clearly as he does. Kylo Ren would roar and scream and shout.

Ben Solo kneels, and begs forgiveness.


End file.
